skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Sysadmin Price list
A Joke I received once.
Regular (as it were) Prices:
- Calling me
with a question --- $10
- Calling me
with a stupid question -- $20
- Calling me
with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30
- Implying
I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem
description - $1000+punitive damages
- Questions
received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00
- Questions
where answer is in TFM - $10.00 (this should have been higher :-)
- Questions
during Xpilot session - $20.00
- Calling me
back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100
- Insisting
that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow -
$200
- Asking me
to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step
- Asking me
to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile+gas
- If you
interrupt me while I was reading news - $25/hr
- If you
interrupt me while I was trying to count all the xroaches on my screen -
$35/hr
- If you
interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem -
$45/hr
- If you try
to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr
- If you
expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
- If you've
come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on -
$70/hr
- If you're
asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr
- If you're
asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix
- $85/hr
- If you're
asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr
- If you're
bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it
for you - $150/hr
- Making me
trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after
hanging up the phone - $1500.00
- Calling up
with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and
which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over
to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. -
$1700.00
- Explaining
a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal
machine at home - $500.00
- Self-diagnosing
your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
- Having me
bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do -
$300.00
- Not
telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00
- Explaining
that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account
there - $10
- Explaining
that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account
on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500
- Forgetting
your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25
- Changing
memory partitions without informing me first - $50
- Each time
you call and start out by saying "I was fooling around on my computer
when ..." - $50 + $ 10 /hr to fix the problem + $ 30 /hr to clean up
after you.
- Installing
programs without informing me /getting permission first -$100 per program
- Technical
support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I
know the program or not :))
- Calling me
to tell me that none of the users in your group can log on without telling
me that you placed an order to remove applications for those users $25
- After I
find out that you placed the order to DELETE all of your users $1,000
(including $4,000 discount for the hilarity factor)
- Leaving
files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed
- Bringing
in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new
machine - $200
- Putting
feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50
- Spending
30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5
explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So
that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to
do!" - $40
- Dealing
with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25
- Dealing
with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]?
Mine just died." requests - $45
- Having to
use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why
don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?"
line - $55
- Actually
needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint
in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware
replacements from the public file server)
- Having to
point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points
- $15
- If I wrote
the sign - $45
- If it's in
a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door -
$75
- Reporting
slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer
Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00
- Reporting
it more than once - $50.00
- Reporting
it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech support's inability to
solve problem - $200.00
"Hardware Problem" Prices:
- Figuring
out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00
- BEFORE I
order your replacement hard drive - $250.00
- Telling me
that you don't have a hard drive $50
- Spending
15 minutes to find out the size of your hard drive (includes walking you
through the process) $100
- Telling me
that you don't save anything to the any of the drives, you "just push
a button and it goes off into computer land." $50
- Fixing
your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00
- Fixing
your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees
-$35.00
- Fixing
your "broken" optical mouse by taking off the post-it note
someone has put on the bottom. - $50.00
- Fixing a
"broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00
- Fixing
your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00
- Fixing
your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00
- Fixing the
"crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00
- Fixing the
"hung" system by plugging the ethernet transceiver back in -
$375.00
- Fixing the
crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentally
yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for
a two week vacation - $400
- Visiting
your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead
back in - $50
- Spilling
coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard
- Spilling
coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
- Spilling
coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150
per hour spent reinstalling the system
- Cleaning
the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of
therapy :)
- Chewing on
the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25
- Listening
to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are
plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things,
asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture,
and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including
discount for polite apology)
Beeper Prices:
- Beeping me
when I'm out with the significant other - $50
- Beeping me
when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left
all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left -
$100
- Beeping me
more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to
press the On Line button - $200
- Beeping me
more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep
- Beeping me
and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $25
- Beeping me
and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would
forget who caused the problem - $500
Special Rates:
- Dealing
with user body odor - $75.00/hour
- Dealing
with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site -
$50.00/hour
- Dealing
with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls
every other day for help - $100.00/hour
- Dealing
with computer hobbyists - $125.00/hour
- Questioning
the other prices .................................$50
No comments:
Post a Comment